Needless to say, my life has changed significantly since Penelope was born. It’s been a crazy 8 weeks! But, I feel like things are sort of starting to show signs of settling down. Still crazy, to be sure! But it’s starting to take some kind of shape. Her sleeping, her eating, and her awake times… my daily activities, my social life, my diet, my exercise… kind of getting into a groove.
This “settling down” thing (I am extremely hesitant to use the word routine or God forbid schedule), however slight, is excellent news for me. I am your typical Type-A, Perfectionist Virgo and the randomness was starting to wear on me. Not that we’re out of the woods by any means. It is still so hard.
In some ways, this semi-routine (eek, there it is!) is almost harder than the chaos for some reason. Before, I was just semi-successfully rolling with the Crazy New Everything. Then, one day last week, I suddenly decided Penny NEEDS TO BE ON A SCHEDULE! Wtf have I been doing?! I need to get my act together!!
Similarly, I felt like I was getting a lot of leeway (with myself, I realize no one else gives a shit) with a lot using the “I just had a baby” excuse. My running, my social availability, etc. Suddenly, I didn’t so much *just* have a baby and I feel like I should be back out there doing all the usual stuff I used to (and then some).
I know this is unrealistic, just let me vent here. I do understand that Penny IS still new, and I DID just have a baby. I know I’m doing a good job. When I sit down and go through it logically, I get that.
But, in frequent moments of doubt, it all seems so fucking overwhelming. I feel like a complete failure. I have no faith in myself as a mother. I’m convinced every other parent is sailing through all of this and I’m fucking everything up.
And I feel so alone, like I’m the only one going through this. Even though I have very close friends who are admittedly going through the exact same thing, and I am sure every mother in history has felt this way at some point, I still manage to somehow feel alone. Zach listens all the time to these rants and he is so reassuring and comforting. He is right by my side, but I still manage to feel alone.
Ok, this got away from me a bit. I actually meant for this to be a running post primarily! I guess I needed to get that off my chest. I imagine I sound so insane but seriously I am fine. There are so (soooooo) many joys in my life right now that I can’t stay down for long. There are rough moments, and then there is this:
She’s the greatest!
Also, I have this:
(running in general, not just races)
And I have him:
And so much more. My friends, my family, my beautiful city, this gorgeous weather, my health, etc etc etc etc. I am very blessed and I am very grateful.
I am doing my best to savor these precious weeks with my new baby, and to be present in general. To not get wrapped up in my doubts or worries. This is my goal.
But I am REALLY looking forward to having a routine! :)