Thursday, July 13, 2006


Oh man. I'm having a running identity crisis. I don't even know what I want to do. I guess I'm just so goal oriented that it really trips me up when I lose sight of a goal. I HAD a goal, to run CIM and try to qualify for boston, then run Boston in the spring. But you know what? Maybe that's not what I want to do. Basically I am just not that excited for CIM. It sounds boring. I want to run a fun and interesting marathon. Maybe it won't be the "fastest course in the west" like it says on CIM's website, but does that really matter? I really don't want to get burnt out. Especially by following through on an OLD goal that I don't feel passionate about anymore. I don't feel like following a strict schedule (YES I just said that!) and I don't feel like dealing with the pressure I am bound to put on myself. I think I'm going to burn out unless I get a new perspective. Because the thing is- I feel more confident about my running then ever. I know I'm a good runner and I know I can improve, and I want that. I want to run more and do more races and meet more runners and all that! I even want to do marathons! I want to try some trail running and one day I want to do an ultra marathon. I don't want to run Boston in the spring, because I want to go to Europe in the spring! And I want Eurpoe 1000 times more than Boston right now. I have so much time to go to Boston and run, I am in no rush.

So that feels good, to admit all that stuff. I don't want to run CIM. I don't care about Boston. I want to have fun running.

But what does that MEAN??? WTF do I do now? I mean, that's all well and good, but now I just have NO GOAL!? That's not going to do. So of course I tried looking online at trail races and interesting marathons and nothing is jumping out at me. I feel so confused! I want to try trail running and maybe do a trail marathon, but they all sound so hard!! LOL! Maybe that's not what I want. You're supposed to have special shoes for that and, you know, experience running trails might help too. But I do all my training on roads and that is fine with me. I can't very well go running in the forest by myself! Plus, once again, it sounds hard. I like it for a fun run every great once in a while, but I don't think I'd really like it all the time. So I'm not feeling the competitive, train hard, road racing thing. But I'm not feeling the hard core, break your ankle, ultra runner thing either. I don't belong!!! I am the ugly duckling... or something.

You know what I want to do? Run. I don't want to be training for anything, but I want to run and run. I want to do 20+ milers on the weekend and long weekday runs and just run and run. But I don't know if I can do that. It's not concrete enough for me. I need something on my calendar. I need to see real concrete numbers that make my efforts feel legitimate. I need a goal? Do I need a goal? Can I get by without one? Is that something I need to work on- reigning in my control issues? Do I have control issues? WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!??

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